I have wanted to make a blog post here since I got out of rehab. But I found myself asking, "where do I start?" It's not that I have nothing to say. My mind is about to explode with ideas, thoughts, fears, shame, guilt, anger, etc.
But, I'm just trying to figure out ME right now. Whatever that means.
I'm not in the mood to write something epic. I don't want to think about certain things. Sometimes I just want the day to pass by. Other times, I'm feeling myself coming to.
I really can't describe it. Not yet, anyways.
So for now, I'll throw out a few things I thought about today...
I wear a necklace that was given to me by a man named Charles Gibson. It belonged to his mother. He passed away March 2013. He showed me what unconditional love was. He spent his last two months of his life with me, trying to get me to stand back up. At times I'm so angry with myself because I feel I disappointed him. But lately, through the passing haze, I can hear him, plain as day saying, "my dear boy, have I taught you NOTHING? I... love you... and not in a funny way. Your ears...mmm... they're too small.... your nose... mmm... too big... but I love you. You are loved."
I'm a hopeless romantic and when I care about someone it hurts way too much, which is why I have generally been so closed off. To avoid hurt. There, I finally admitted it. Yay, 12 Steps.
I'm a recovering drug addict. Most of of you guys have heard that by now. But no, I didn't abuse illicit drugs while investigating cases or while doing "Paranormal State." I did struggle with pain pills during the second-half of the final season of "State." Someone recently asked me if I think things would've been different with me staying on "State" longer had I not struggled with prescription use. Maybe. But I was also really, really exhausted that final season. I was executive producing and also investigating the cases.
Yeah, I believe dark forces tried to take me down. So what? I'm not going to blame it all on that, though. I am still responsible for my actions. There are a lot of interesting parallels or similarities (even just metaphorically) one can find when it comes to addiction and possession. No, I don't think I was literally possessed by a demon. Sometimes, when I lie awake in bed at night, I do think about some very disturbing things that occurred or happened around me. It's something I'm trying to process and figure out.
I did get involved with some very dark things. In time, I'll open up about them. I think it's right to come out and talk about it. To warn people and perhaps give them some things to think about.
I don't wan't to disappoint people again.